About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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