Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
As shirtless as possible
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
