Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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