I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
