hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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