Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
