trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
