you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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