There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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