Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
