Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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