The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
