It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
