Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize