I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
