My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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