do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
