and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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