seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
