i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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