I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
