i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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