I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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