i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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