do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
