i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Will exercising make me less horny?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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