come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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