I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
