he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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