i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
