Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
two words: eviction party
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
