Betty ford says i'm here all night
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
