He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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