Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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