remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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