The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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