I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
