we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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