I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
