And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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