dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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