Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i think i have two assholes
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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