I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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