just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
