Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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