I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
