well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
