I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
