hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
