Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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