FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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