there's paper in my vomit.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
