i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
