FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
