you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i think i just lost a toe
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
