He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
