fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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