I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
