From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
