Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
